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About Literature / Student Member Nicole... duh.Australia Group :iconbatmasterandfrosty: BatmasterAndFrosty
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Do I do things? No.
Do people want me to? No not really.
But I try anyways. This is where my newest stuff lies.

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so, if you do something i like, it will end up here, for me to browse through when i have no ideas left of my own :)

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So it's become glaringly obvious I can't make decisions for myself even when I should. Do I move to Brisbane or stay in Lismore? Do I transfer to a drama degree or stay in one I've come to hate on the off chance it helps me into music journalism? Do I leave Alex and everyone else behind just because I feel smothered here? 
Thats the part holding me back.
Alex told me no-one else should affect my decision but how can't they? I can't even bear the thought of leaving him and Emily and Ryan and Kathleen behind, or Anita and the rest of Media Club, or everyone in derby... 
But mainly Alex. How can I leave my strongest supporter, best friend, the yin to my yang behind just because I'm not 100% sure journalism is what I want to do anymore? I'm bawling my eyes out at the thought of it. I'm so lucky to have met him and everyone else here and even though we'd stay friends I can't help but think I'd be throwing that away by leaving. These decisions don't need to be made for a while but they still keep me up all night, stressing me out, making me think maybe death might be easier than making them.
  • Mood: Depressed
  • Listening to: St Patrick- Pvris
I think I finally got my pericarditis pain under control! now to fuck with my bad sleeping pattern I established because of it! 
Ok so I'm mainly here today to talk about someone very important to me. Most people, when I say this, just go "she's fucking talking about Alex again isn't she?" and you know what? Yes. Yes I am. 
Alex is literally the big brother I never had. Both he and I annoy the shit out of each other, hurt each other, fight about stupid shit and constantly get in each others faces but when it comes down to it we would both take a bullet for the other one. He talks me down and stops me from making dumb decisions, I calm him when he gets angry and let him vent whenever things build up. It's this kind of friendship that makes my heart burst (literally apparently).
It hit me again last night when I was just really disillusioned with life and did't quite get what I was doing here anymore and he just sat me down and made me think, write stuff down and just breathe.
Theres always that thing that says maybe your soulmate is just your best friend, and I 110% agree with this, because there is no way in hell I could say Alex isn't mine.
  • Mood: Happy Tears
  • Listening to: Left Swipe Dat- Our Last Night
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: strong language)
Where do I fucking start with the blessing of Pericarditis?
Oh, the stabbing feeling in my chest should do.
My heart can't beat without touching it's own lining and hurting. If I lie down it touches other things and hurts even more. Sleep is out of the question and I guess living a normal lifestyle is also. I can't even make a fucking salad without feeling worn out due to lack of sleep and oxygen from not being able to take a full fucking breath, so there goes any chance of doing that derby assessment... or going to uni... or even leaving the house for more that 15 minutes
THEN WE HAVE THE MEDICINE SUPPOSEDLY TREATING THIS SHITSTORM.
Side effects include nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. Well sure, let's throw that on top of everything already going on. Throwing up feels like I'm having a fucking heart attack and I DEFINITELY CANNOT BREATHE while that's happening. Any chance of a little sleep is gone via having to get up every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom and even just walking down the hallway is a struggle. So now I'm a tired, sore and sick mess.
But do you know what the worst part is?
Nobody, not even me, knew this existed until I got it.
So i've been gone.
the mix of moving home and that stress and then moving back and THAT stress kept be away for a bit but here I am, not sure for how long though.

  • Mood: Caring
  • Listening to: St Patrick- Pvris
There is something so amazing about living with your best friend. Knowing that as soon as you have a problem, either one of you can be there for each other. To knock on the door next to yours and say "I need help. I need a hug." is so refreshing compared to bottling up everything like I used to.
Moving forward in leaps and bounds with my mental health issues has made this even easier. I can breathe now. The walls don't cave in, and if they even begin to, you're there to help me. Everything flows so naturally. It's like the family I've always wanted.
There's a George Ezra song you showed me once, and it has this one line that sums up the exact way I feel about you now, after all this time.
"I'm your brother, your coat of armour"
Except that you're my brother, my coat of armour.
So it's become glaringly obvious I can't make decisions for myself even when I should. Do I move to Brisbane or stay in Lismore? Do I transfer to a drama degree or stay in one I've come to hate on the off chance it helps me into music journalism? Do I leave Alex and everyone else behind just because I feel smothered here? 
Thats the part holding me back.
Alex told me no-one else should affect my decision but how can't they? I can't even bear the thought of leaving him and Emily and Ryan and Kathleen behind, or Anita and the rest of Media Club, or everyone in derby... 
But mainly Alex. How can I leave my strongest supporter, best friend, the yin to my yang behind just because I'm not 100% sure journalism is what I want to do anymore? I'm bawling my eyes out at the thought of it. I'm so lucky to have met him and everyone else here and even though we'd stay friends I can't help but think I'd be throwing that away by leaving. These decisions don't need to be made for a while but they still keep me up all night, stressing me out, making me think maybe death might be easier than making them.
  • Mood: Depressed
  • Listening to: St Patrick- Pvris

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NicoleMeAtParamore
Nicole... duh.
Artist | Student | Literature
Australia
This one time a teacher in Year 5 told me I had a gift and to use it so now I post crap on the internet...? Anyway, I'm pretty angry a lot and sometime writing helps with that so yeah, come check that out.

List of bands i love: nicolemeatparamore.deviantart.…
list of bands i have seen live nicolemeatparamore.deviantart.…

Twitter: @kawaiistringDTD
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:iconwanderersdaughter:
wanderersdaughter Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014
thanks so much for the fav! it means a lot to me! 5 seconds hug 
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:iconnicolemeatparamore:
NicoleMeAtParamore Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Student Writer
not a problem :D
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:iconapsilpastille:
apsilpastille Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the Watch!!! :)
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:iconnicolemeatparamore:
NicoleMeAtParamore Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Student Writer
not a problem :)
Reply
:icontae-rai:
Tae-Rai Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, fuck, thumbs don't work in comments... Anyway, something you might like: [link]
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